This is how to be more assertive 3 powerful secrets from research

This is how to be mora assertive 3 powerful secrets from researchThis is how to be more assertive 3 powerful secrets from researchYou dont want to fight. You dont want to be hassled. You dont want to disappoint them. Its easier to just nod and give them what they want. But later you feel frustrated, trapped and depressed because youre bedrngnis getting what you need and you spend all yur time serving others.Ever felt this way? We all have.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreFor some of us, its compartmentalized youre a warrior at work but a worrier at home. Or its the reverse you rule the house with an iron fist but just cant bring yourself to ask your boss for a raise.Whats going on?There are 4 styles of dealing with people and they all zurechtge on the idea ofcontrolPassive peoplefeel they have no control over others. And because they give in to avoid conflict, they also feel the y have no control over themselves.Aggressive peopleare the opposite. They know they have control over themselves and they also believe they should be able to control others. They typically do this through intimidation. In the short term, it often works. In the long term, people do their best to avoidaggressives.Passive-aggressive peoplehave control over themselves. They want to control others but they dont want to pay the price of being direct. They dont want to be seen as aggressive and they dont want to be indebted to others after asking for things. So they play games. They think there are no downsides to deniable aggression. Theyre wrong. Eventually, theyre seen as inconsiderate or manipulative.And then theres the Holy Grail assertiveness.Researchshows being assertive is that perfect Goldilocks balance of just right. It helps youget the things youneed while preserving relationships over the long term. But theres one problemNobody ever tells you what the hell assertive really mean s. How do youdoit? How do you get what you needwithout being a jerk or a manipulator?Dont worry. Research has answers.Lets get to itAssertiveness is about controlling your behavior, not someone elses.ThatsRandy J. Patersonsdefinition. Hes a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of British Columbia.The key thing to keep in mind isYou are in charge of your behavior others are in charge of their behavior.I know sounds obvious. But when we get caught in passive thinking, this simple factiswhat were forgetting.FromThe Assertiveness WorkbookWhen we behave assertively, we are able to acknowledge our own thoughts and wishes honestly, without the expectation that others will automatically give in to us. We express respect for the feelings and opinions of others without necessarily adopting their opinions or doing what they expect or demand. This does not mean that we become inconsiderate to the wishes of others. We listen to their wishes and expectations, then we decide wh ether or not to go along with them. We might choose to do so even if we would prefer to do something else. But it is our choice. Whenever we go along with others it is our decision to do so anyway. But we can often feel helpless because we forget that we are under our own control.The key word there is choice. When youre being passive, youforget that youhave a choice. But you always do. When you comply, youre making a decision.Passive people think, I have to do what they want. No, actually. No, you dont. Other people say no all the time. The problem is often that passive people assume the consequences of saying no will be catastrophic.The issue isnt the request and it usually isnt the potential consequences of declining- its the unreasonable assumption in your head that saying no is the equivalent of hitting the self-destruct button on a relationship.FromThe Assertiveness WorkbookMany of the barriers that prevent us from being more assertive are in our own heads. We willingly obey i maginary rules that dictate what we are and are not allowed to do. It feels tremendously liberating to realize that the arbitrary standards we set for ourselves are not carved in stone. They do not appear in the criminal code.Yes, standing up for yourself can haveconsequences.But ifyou respect other peoples autonomy,theresults arerarely as bad as you think theyll be.Aggressives and passive-aggressives try to control others and thats why in the long term they often pay dearly.But just because you cant control people doesnt mean youre helpless. You can still talk with others, make requests, and negotiate.Now I know what passive people are thinkingYou make it sound so easy. Im just not an assertive person.But assertiveness is not a trait like height. Its a set of skills. Skills you can develop. And you dont have to run around being pushyall the time.Assertiveness is like a weedwhacker. You take it out of the garage when you need it you dont have to walk around with it running all day l ong.(To learn the morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, clickhere.)So how do you build these skills? Lets look at the three big problems passive people dread and what the research says is the best way to handle themHow To Say NoYoure wishing they didnt ask you to do that. Why did they have to ask?Youwouldnt have askedthemto do this. But theyre asking. And you cant make them un-ask. Crap.Remember you cant control other peoples behavior. So when you start down the path of wishing they didnt ask, youre violating the cardinal rule of assertiveness all you can control isyourbehavior.FromThe Assertiveness Workbookthey will ask. Of course, they will. Who wouldnt? Imagine having a genie who will carry out any request you make. It would be wonderful. If you cant say no, you are such a genie for the rest of the world. Once the rest of the world discovers it, they will be unable to resist.You always have a choice. When you holdthe beliefthat you must say yes,thatswhyyou feel like a slave.So what do you do?First, stay calm.Dont just react. Dont say okay out of habit. You want to strike while the iron iscool. Delay if you need to Let me get back to you about that.Next, examineyour beliefs.What do you believe will be the result of saying no? If I dont agree, theyll round up the townsfolk and surround my house wielding pitchforks and torches. Ill be put in the stocks and my children will be forced to wear a scarlet N as the child of the monster who said no.Is your belief reasonable?Is that themost likelyresult? Has it ever happened before?What would your very assertive friend Larrythinkis reasonable? If you say no, the person will probably nod, shrug, walk away and not hate you forever.Decide based on reasonable beliefs.Are you willing to accept the likely consequences? If you are, then go ahead and say no. If youre not, make the choice to say yes. But youre not a slave. You made the decision.But theres one problem you might face the first few times you try thisIf youve been passive for a long time, people are going to be surprised.And if youre dealing with an aggressive, theyll think they can control you.If you mumble a no and they keep asking, you might cave. And nowall youve done is teachthem to push harder.So, early on in your attempts to be assertive, try the broken record technique. Say no. And just keep repeating yourself every time they push.FromThe Assertiveness WorkbookYou dont have to find the magic words that will satisfy the other person. Using a response once doesnt wear it out. If you keep repeating the same message, eventually theyll hear it. No, Im not willing to do that. No, Im not willing to do that. No, Im not willing to do that. Worried that this will sound odd? Doesnt matter. It wont sound as odd as you think. At any rate, the fear of sounding odd is a trap that can keep you in the control of others.(To learn how to increase your self-esteem, clickhere.)Okay, you know how to say no. But how do you ask others for somethi ng without feeling awful?How To Ask For What You WantOther people arent psychic. The reason youre frustrated is because youbelieve they should be. Its just another form of trying to control people, and thats why it makes you angry.You want something? Youre going to have to ask.Aggressives have no problem with it. And so, for a just a second, channel your inner aggressive.If you were a bullying jerk, what would you demand?Take out the trash right nowGot the answer? Good, you know what you want.Okay, put The Hulk back in his cage.Nowthink about Larry, your very assertive friendWhat would he say is the reasonable version of your demand?Can you take out the trash, please? Id appreciate it.Dont apologize or put yourself down when you ask.You ran a check in your head this is a reasonable ask. You dont need to feel like youre burdening anyone.Make koranvers to word it as a request - not a demand.Youre respecting the persons autonomy.Review, rehearse and consider the timing of the ask.You want to be relaxed and you want them to be receptive.And guess what? They still might say no. And thats okay. You cant control their behavior, only yours.And you didnt fail, you merelyasked. Theyre not going to hate you forever - you were reasonable. And you can negotiate further if youre feeling up to it.(To learn the FBIs lead hostage negotiators tips on how to negotiate, clickhere.)Alright, lets take it to the next level. Someone has been driving you crazy. You cant take it anymore. You need to confront them.You cant be passive anymore but you dont want to explode like an aggressive or start twisting your mustache like a manipulating passive-aggressive. How do you have a tough conversation?How To Confront An IssueThe key concept to remember here is Symbolic Value. Whats that mean?They didnt take the trash out. Again. But honestly, taking out the trash is not a big deal, is it? Nobody gets the chair for forgetting to move garbage.But you dont understand When they dont take the tra sh out I feel disrespected. If they loved me they would take the trash out on time without me having to remind themAh-ha Now were on to something. Taking out the trash has symbolic value. It means respect and love. Or, more specifically,taking out the trash has symbolic valueto you.Did you ever tell them what taking out the trash means to you? Im guessing no. So to them, taking out the trash may mean, well taking out the trash. Theyre not aware of the symbolic value youve attached to it.But youre assuming they are aware, and that their defiance isintentional, and therefore they are evil incarnate and they must be destroyed. (This chain of thinking can be, uh,problematicto say the least.)Youve got three options hereRealize the problem is with your symbolic valueand revise it.Have a direct conversation about the symbolic value issue.Focus on changing their behavior.If your partner regularly does 900 other things to demonstrate their love and respect, then 1 might be the smart choice.I f your partner regularly does 900 other things that make it clear you are neither loved or respected, 2 might be in order. (But tread lightly - making accusations and demanding immediate, massive personality change is a tall order.)Nine times out of ten, the best thing to do is to focus on changing behavior. But respect their autonomy.FromThe Assertiveness WorkbookWe often have a secret goal. We secretly want others to admit that they are villains, that they intended to hurt us or frustrate us, and that we ourselves are completely innocent of wrongdoing Here the task is to recognize that we have this perfectly normal thirst for victory - and then to let it go. Face facts. You probably wont get this admission of total guilt In general, its best to focus on behavior rather than convincing people they are wrong.Define your goal I would like them to take out the trash. Then relax, rehearse, and dont try to get them to admit they are evil. Butmost of alllisten. Why?If you do, its quite likely youll get the answer to your symbolic value questionIm sorry. I had no ideahow important this was to you. Ill take care of it right now.And you may just find out theres some silly, stupid, insignificant thing youve been ignoring - that has enormous symbolic value to them.(To learn an FBI behavior experts tips on how to get people to like you, clickhere.)Okay, youre on your way from passive to assertive. Lets round it all up and find out how being assertive doesnt just get you what you need, it might actuallyimprovethe relationships that mean the most to youSum UpHeres how to be more assertiveAssertiveness is about controlling your own behavior, not theirs.You always have a choice. And the consequences for resisting control by others are rarely as bad as you think.You cant stop people from asking, but you can say no.Figure out thereasonableconsequences of doing so. And then decide. Use the broken record technique with aggressives.People arent psychic. If you want something, ask.Figure out what you want. Make it reasonable and fair. Word it as a request. If they say no, that doesnt mean they hate you.Symbolic Value is oftenwhat makes confrontationhard.Its usually best to try to getpeople to change their behavior, not their personality.It takes some time and practice to become more assertive. People will push back initially. Theyre used to the old you. Thats okay. Again, you cant change their behavior, only yours.But once you start being more comfortable speaking up, it doesnt just mean more conflict. It can actually mean wonderful things, too.Professor Randy Petersonpoints out something interesting passive people dont just avoid conflict. They often avoid saying a lot of good stuff too.FromThe Assertiveness WorkbookYou might think that a person who overuses the passive style would have no great difficulty giving positive feedback. They might be giving it constantly, using a Heres a compliment, dont attack me strategy. In fact, the reverse seems to be tr ue. Most passive individuals not only avoid conflict, they also avoid the expression of positive feeling. They seldom give compliments, express affection, or provide positive feedback.As you become more assertive, youll be a more encouraging, supportive, friend, partner, employee or co-worker. And thats something that makes life better for everyone.Those around you will come to appreciatethe more assertive you.FromThe Assertiveness WorkbookThrough assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences and real flaws. And we admit all these things. We dont try to become someone elses mirror. We dont try to suppress someone elses uniqueness. We dont try to pretend that were perfect. We become ourselves.In mynext weekly emailIll be sending out a PDF of the tool Professor Peterson recommends to help people become more assertive.To make sure you get it, sign uphere.By being more assertive, you finally let those aroun d you seewho you really are.And thats the only way they can love the real you.Join over 267,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first appeared on Bakadesuyo.com.Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here. This article first appeared on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people